WTF Weather: Come on, Irene…
Fireworks surrounding Hurricane Irene have asses in uproars all along the East Coast. As usual, weather forecasters and mayors are “not sure” how hard or where exactly the storm is going to hit hardest. The media is creating it’s very own hurricane of hype and we are all being told to prepare for total abomination and continue to hope for the best. From what my pea-sized brain is able to comprehend, Irene is unusual due to it’s particularly behemoth size and slow movement. Here is a helpful map from the New York Times that you can use to track your storm destiny.
Hurricanes and Earthquakes in NYC, what is next? Perhaps a plague will strike. I, for one, am doing next to nothing to prepare for this shit. I prefer to go renegade ala' insane Lieutenant Dan swinging legless and wild from the crow’s nest of his shrimp boat hollering at the heavens and summoning the shrimp gods.
Check out this clip from Forrest Gump to refresh your memory of this pivotal moment in film and commercial shrimp fishing:
How prepared are you for Irene? Hurricane kits are for sale all over the internet. If you have waited until now to order yours it is probably too late, which could, unfortunantely, mean curtains for you. Let me remind you that Fed-Ex doesn’t cover shipping for natural disasters or “acts of God” as they like to call it.
Things to consider including in your Hurricane Kit:
1) Flashlights, glow-sticks, firecrackers, flares, firebugs, matches etc.
2) Drugs. You know, just in case things get bleak and you would prefer not to be fully coherent as the world crumbles to bits.
3) Stuff and Things, of course.
4) Your favorite pet in case you get depressed and lonely while living off of water and soda crackers in the basement of your local church. If you don’t have one yet report to your local ASPCA.
5) A small inflatable boat and lifejackets, no brainer.
6) A friend, if you have one.
7) A fishing pole. Although their PCB levels are toxically high there are striped bass living in the East River and you can use them as a food source as long as you are not a child or woman of child-bearing age.
8) Guitar, maracas, pan-flute and/or other musical instruments in case (heaven forbid) you will not be able to charge your ipod.
9) Your mom (come on, she is your mother).
10) Owl and pussycat. They went to sea in a beautiful pea-green boat if I remember correctly. You might find yourself in a similar situation pretty soon if the tides rise dangerously high. It is always a good idea to stick with an expert in these kinds of emergencies. No need to be a hero.
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| Tether yourself, or you might end up in Oz....Actually that doesn't sound so bad. |
Good Luck and remember to ALWAYS stay high and dry!
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