Don't worry about me: I'm Still Alive!!!

Holy hoochie on a halfshell, I am back from the dead. Between the stress of moving and the evil energies of an alternate universe, now, almost a fortnight ago, an acute illness manifested itself in my poor, weak bodily temple. This past week was, to put it lightly, Dante's Inferno in Chinatown. In fact, during this time, I  was in such a miserable state of affairs that I failed to accomplish some of my most important human duties on this earth. For example, I haven't been showing up for my job at the fish house nor have I been brushing my teeth on a regular basis. To be honest, my brain still feels like pudding after what seemed like an eternity of little more activity beyond REM sleep, rolling around in agony and reading the occasional text message from a neglected associate.
My hair has morphed into a greasy, straw-like pigeons nest, my armpit hairs are long enough to braid and I have reason to believe that my muscles are entering a state of atrophy.
Despite this complete lack of personal grooming and a general sense of self-loathing, I'm feeling positive. I am "upbeat". Want  to know why? Because considering what I have endured the past week or so, I can look forward to the next week-month-year-century feeling like an absolute grand stroke of luck no matter what happens.
I get attacked by a stampede of rabid squirrels in Steward Park? No biggie, I love nature!
I get thrown into the freezing and PCB ridden currents of East River by my angry boss? Cool!
Just, please please please God or whatever is up there looking down upon my mortal soul, let me be healthy.
A wise one once said: "One does not realize what one has until one no longer has that thing." When I tell you that I look forward to returning to work at my cold-ass, fishy trailer tomorrow, I kid you not. Where I used to have the luxury of driving my car to work I now must take a train and then walk twenty-five minutes every morning this winter in order to get to my job. Two weeks ago, this was stressing me out. I thought to myself, how the heck am I going to pull this off? I will contract a cab driver to take me everyday, yes. I will make a deal with a cab driver and it will only cost me seven dollars each morning. It will be worth it.  I am no longer singing that song. I don't give a rat's patoot. I will happily train and walk and bike and run if I must, come rain or shine. I plan to change my hedonistic ways. You will find me at yoga class 4 or 5 times a week from now on. No more hangovers. I will cease to pass judgement on my fellow man. I refuse to stress out about anything. I will be patient, calm and kind. Everything is beautiful, and one day I will visit India and study ancient meditative techniques in a green mountain temple at mind-alteringly high altitudes. I will never be hard on myself again. I will write for my blog every day. I will work hard. I will get eight hours of beauty rest each and every night. A pinnacle of health; an embodiment of perfection, harmony, finesse, and manners. Just please, please,please don't ever let me get sick again.