Waters are warming up from Montauk to Nantucket and everywhere in between. This brings joy to foolish tourists, tanorexics, stinkin’ rich families with beach homes as well as the local drunkards that take care of their lawns. Before you throw your business IPad and your brain out the window of your minivan as you ride of over the Bourne Bridge in a blaze of “summertime nonsense”, keep in mind that shit happens, even when you are on vacation.
TOP 10 AVOIDABLE SUMMERTIME VEXATIONS: HOLD ONTO YOUR FUCKING HATS
10: Sharks – Luckily there are less shark attacks documented in the Northeast region of the US than any other domestic region that has a coastline (lakes don’t count, DUH). My question is this: are there actually less shark attacks around these parts or are New Englanders just a bunch of crispy curmudgeons who don’t want anyone nosing into their shark-related biznaz? Jaws was filmed on Martha’s Vineyard and a large aggressive Great White was spotted in Great Harbor just a few years back. Also, who can forget the massacre-bloody Shark Fest held in Oak Bluff each year when people rampage around spearing these large, top-of-the-food-chain predators right from our very own waters? Anyway, sharks are dangerous and scary as hell. If you see one, hold onto your fucking hat.
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| Do not attempt to pet a shark. What are you out of your damn mind? |
9: Jellyfish- Just last night a dear friend of mine came a calling to ask me: What do I do if I get stung by a jellyfish? I told him to pee on it, and then realized that was probably an old wives tale piece of advice. So I looked it up on the internet. The best thing to do is to leave the sting alone and/or seek medical attention if your neck swells up and you start foaming at the mouth. You can also remove any tentacles stuck to the site using a stick, your towel, a credit card, whatever just don’t use your hand. Other than that, guess what? Watch the hell out for swarms of jellyfish. I saw them swarming towards the Cape last weekend on the ferry ride to Manhattan. It was both horrifying and disgusting. Tentacles can sting you for weeks after detaching from the animal, so if you are allergic, don’t be an idiot: bring your epi-pen to the beach. Also, just to clarify Portuguese Man-O-Wars look like a balloon and they are not jellyfish but they do sting.
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| HOLY SHIT. Luckily this picture was taken in Japan. |
8: Shitty drivers – You know who you are. Use your freakin’ turn signals and turn down the radio. You are probably not from around here and you really need to be paying EXTRA SPECIAL ATTENTION to your surroundings. This goes for bike riders, roller-bladers and even walkers. Look both ways before you cross the street. You and your brain might be on vacation, but please respect: others are trying to get to work/the beach/ the bar without running you over and going to jail for manslaughter. So please, WATCH OUT.
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| Somewhere in the world an idiot's insurance rates are about to go up. |
7: Sunburn- OUCH. Wear SPF protection or you will be gallivanting around complaining and looking red like an inflated lobster. Not cute.
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| Miss it looks like your muffins are burnt. Perhaps you need me to apply some aloe vera? |
6: Riptides- So you think you can swim? Yea you probably can, but watch the hell out for rip-tides! Don’t make us jump in and save your dumb ass. You are not Michael Phelps (But if you were we would love to save you no problem cause you are the man)
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| You know what? When you win 9 Olympic Gold Medals for your country, you can smoke weed too. Michael Phelps, could you be any more awesome? LOVE YOU (in a creepy psycho stalker kind of way)!! |
5: Dehydration- Drink some stinkin’ water for cryin’ out loud! Coffee doesn’t hydrate, neither does beer. This is not rocket science, people.
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| Cape Cod tap water has a plume from Otis Airforce base... Maybe you should try summering in Maine this year instead :) |
4: Drunk drivers- Unfortunately they are in abundance in these beachy places like Long Island and Cape Cod. For some reason people in these areas like to get rip roarin’ drunk and cruise around in their cars. Ever heard of Suicide Alley? It’s the single lane area of Route 6 headed to Provincetown from Hyannis. Avoid it at all costs when you are three sheets to the wind.
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| If you are planking in a urinal, you probably shouldn't be driving. |
3: Idiot Tourists- Self-Explanatory.
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| You aren't from around here? I couldn't tell!!! |
2: Sharks- Deserves two spots because they are freaky deaky. WOW.
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| Is this shit real? Im going to puke. |
1: Traffic- Lot’s of it. Bring some books or movies or whatever the hell kids do these days when you are trying to stop them from beating each over the head in the backseat of your minivan. Also, guess what, you me and EVERYONE ELSE are stuck in traffic so I yell to you is a very high-pitched, bone rattling scream from the cockles of my soul: CALM DOWN!!!!!!! (and hold onto your fucking hat).
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| Does this look like a good time to you? |
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